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death by design (raine)

[ website | The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long ]
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Acorns and Trees [05 Feb 2011|09:00pm]
Or, how a notorious Egyptian blogger described perfectly, painfully, what happened to my heart, soul and body 2006-2008.

Make with the clicky, people, it's a good read:

Potential, while nice, is nothing. It's an empty promise with no guarantees, given to you by an asshole who could've fulfilled it today if they chose to, but don't. Nope, I am sorry, there are no hidden gems; beauty doesn't get discarded for long for no reason, and you have not uncovered the great hidden treasure that was in plain sight for all to see. You are the Indian who thanked the white man for his very nice and un-expected blankets, and two days later wondered why he suddenly was feeling very ill and everything around him was going to shit.

There's so much I left unsaid, and I've yet to make a public tally of how much blood, bone, treasure and more importantly time was squandered in those years.

But Sandmonkey seems to have captured very nicely some of that anger and futility. Thank you, friend. I wish I'd read these words sooner.
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A day at the Beach; a night in the Burbs (Israel part 2) [07 Aug 2010|02:29pm]
Fourth day.. Very laid back, just the beach near the Reading Powerplant and Sdedov Airfield & Night of Beer in the Burbs of Hod Hasharon with friends from the comic store.

All good days begin with a high five...


sdeh dov airfield





and end with a beer...

Day pictures here

Night pictures here
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Best of Israel (Part 1) [18 Jul 2010|07:39pm]
Finally finished developing/processing the pics from Israel!

Best shots from the first few days - arrival, Tel-Aviv, beaches and nightlife... Much more to follow. The entire set is on Flickr but I'm manually picking out my faves to save folks the trouble (and b/c LJ is an easier archival mode for myself)

tel aviv beach-wide

sderot rothschild


On to the beginning of the trip....Collapse )

complete sets on black:

Day Zero - Arrival at Ben Gurion
Day One -Tel Aviv
Night One - Accessory Show
Day 2 - Tel Aviv
Night Two - Freestylers and T-Break

Day 3 - Breakfast- Beach- Towers


Moar later. Thanks for watching/reading/listening, and thanks in advance for respecting my boundaries by not polluting my vacation entry with politicrap! :D It's my first vacation in yeaaars and its been an uphill struggle through a very dark path to get there... so no raining on my parade!
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[30 Jun 2010|08:42pm]
when i was with corey i was so overworked it was all i could do to scribble my dreams (and to-dos, and thoughts) in little black five star notebooks. whenever i was able to do any thing in them i would tear the page out and toss it away (usually a subway trash can commuting between jobs), i didnt need the little piece of paper anymore because the outcome was part of my life.

in the time we were together so many of my unfulfilled dreams and goals and tasks filled the notebooks. as i filled each up i eventually gave up and stashed them in a plastic pumpkin (the kind kids trick or treat with). I thought maybe some day when he was better I could pick them back up again, but that day never came. the pumpkin is full, nothing else fits inside.

i opened up the pumpkin tonight and i'm surprised that even in such a short time since obtaining freedom, i've managed to do so much, so many pages to tear out, so many reasons to celebrate and causes to be hopeful and thankful. so many seeds of thought that bore fruit. some are still budding, some withered with the seasons but others took root deeper than any winter could reach.

the ones that are incomplete aren't going back in the pumpkin, they're going into my in-basket next to the window to be done in due time, which is, in this current incarnation of life, sooner rather than later.

however... the little notebooks, they don't just contain dreams of the future, they also hold nightmares from the past, all blood and bone. i'm not ready to tear those out yet and i'm not sure when i will be.
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[15 Jun 2010|02:02pm]
ran into an old classmate yesterday, it put me deep in thought.

i don't know if the end result, or the holy grail of this trying to integrate the past/present/future stuff is to return to the architecture program at CCNY (assuming they'd have me)..

but I do know i don't spend very much time contemplating returning to my old home before i start getting really pissed off.

saw this today...


those ivy leage adjuncts who went slumming it at a public university taking students' money & time in exchange for years art/cultural theory indoctrination which would soon render them unemployable.. really could have used an ethics/reality check back when it fucking mattered. Ugh.

seriously if i post at any greater length I'll end up linking Deleuze and all those other frequently-namechecked french philosophers to Encyclopedia Dramatica's entry for "shit nobody cares about" and nobody wants me to start linking to Encyclopedia Dramatica. Trust me. It's just not a good sign.

I dunno man, maybe i should stay far far away from architecture, i find it tends to put me in battle mode :[ It makes me feel all obnoxious and opinionated and bitter like some other architect I know (my grandfather). Not really sure I want that road... Not really sure I know what I want... Tempted to say that life is pretty good as-is.

Spent yesterday's lunch reading the wikipedia entries for Clash of Civilizations and Fukuyama's End of History. It was a chewy and thoughtful lunch.

Started cleaning out all the compartments of old hard drive backups (due to frequent formatting). Unpacking my archived photos from the hated taxonomy foisted on me by my ex ("People?" "Places?" Thats what tags are for! ) and started recovering lost memory in my own head, enough to place them chronologically. At least I'm not afraid of them anymore.. but it's actually a lot harder work than I'd thought, and is making me simultaneously feel both accomplished and irritable.
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[10 Jun 2010|01:58pm]
I haven't said a word on here in months. I was having a conversation last night with Shay, telecart about honesty online, and I think that we both (and most of my friends) were lucky to come of age after technology made connecting with others possible, but before EVERYONE was on the internet including parents, younger cousins, and employers, before the act of blocking a website had political ramifications.

Shay has said, rightly that the internet is "no longer cosa nostra". And it's true. This sense of home, and displacement, of being a stranger everywhere, have been recurring themes in our discussions of late. Actually our relationship (we've been together over a half year now, I believe) feels like a forum thread, a movie, and a novel simultaneously, but moreover like one long freewheeling discussion with breaks to work and sleep and dick off on the Actual Internet. Theres a sense of natural interweaving between topics, technology, politics, philosophy, gender to be very broad, and although its frustrating to see these great discussions leave no residue (as they would online), it's exciting to see how they evolve, and I find the evidence lived, and internalized instead of documented. It feels reflective, not in the least bit forced... So it would seem I've found someone decent to be dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st Century with. The constant online presence, and being highly visible at the periphery of my friends (Livejournal, Subkultures and IRL) gives the whole enterprise this sense of deep familiarity juxtaposed with strangeness, that feels like rediscovery or deja-vu. It's hard to describe.

The safety I'm extended, and the sheer magnitude of his good-naturedness is very humbling. I struggle with a sense of worthiness, especially given the dark legacy of my family and my own spotty and drama-filled history. And the carnage I come dragging with me from previous lives, which in terms of "baggage" feels like asking if an entire mangled 747 jet is OK as "carry-on". I'm a little nervous and frankly uncomfortable, but I'm crossing my fingers that it's the good kind of discomfort, where you (as the 'courage wolf' meme would put it...) "Bite off more than you can chew... THEN CHEW IT.

It's funny, I came to try and reconnect with my lost-self, but I end up talking about my relationship instead. As important as he is to me (and always has been, for years, though at a safer distance).. There's a lot of stuff I need to look backwards, and face head-on, and I hope maybe recovering my sense of authenticity through writing, through sharing, through my good old transparent self, can be recovered.

I feel like the past years, the past 5 years really, have been a big wound, a huge chasm, each rip deeper and darker than the others, but that it's a chasm that wants to heal itself.

So many wonderful things have happened this year. Starting with the most recent -

I watched Steve and Sara get married... it was so beautiful!
I saw Travisz and Yanick and Eric and Mark and .. the list just goes on... and there was so much positive energy there, it was like he'd brought us all together the way he brough Steven and Sara, and the grief turned into a bond, and a sense that we were all bound by our good fortune more than our bad. It was a wonderful night, we were very honored to be part of watching two beautiful people who absolutely get it right share some of the "good stuff" of life with their friends, that we could celebrate in it with them, just .. wow! There are no words.
I went to Kinetik, in Montreal. I saw Paul, he squished me so hard I thought I would die! and Brad, and Bea and met new friends and old, musicians I admired already and would come to admire by the end, the list goes on! And after posting my pictures, I made my peace with Facebook, as everyone got tagged, even famous people :P And Shay and I went to meet my cousin Jonathan who is flourishing so well in Montreal after finishing his engineering degree at McGill.

So much live music lately. We've seen Massive Attack, we've seen Covenant, and Pearl Jam. On top of stuff around Kinetik.

We have tickets to Atari Teenage Riot at the end of the summer.. CRAZY!

I paid off all my Credit Card debt.
I plugged in all my debts, student loans and otherwise, to Mint, and got a real birds-eye view of my financial picture.

Its really the sense of panic and closing in about that which prompted me to come here and try and focus on something more positive.. And for the time being I will try and keep it positive.

Biggest of all: I WENT TO ISRAEL. Words can't express what it was like, I did not go for religious reasons but the trip had a depth of importance that defies everyday explanation. I loved every minute, and honestly it felt like the only thing missing was work, and on a deeper level, time, as I wished I'd been there sooner. I wish I could have shared my younger self with Shay, all the enthusiasm and imagination that is feeling challenged with all the responsibilities of the now, and cleaning up the mess that bad relationships and death and school and financial struggle has left. I'm glad that we knew each other as friends back then, even in an algorithmic sense, which is to say, guessing between the bits and bytes. I went to Israel because I've owed it to Shay for almost as many years as I've known him and certainly since 2006 when he visited. Honestly I wish I'd just have packed myself in his suitcase back then and been done with it.

I started taking pictures. Andres helped me get started, and it gave my soul a voice, it brought light into a dark place, gave me the chance to know myself again, to know myself obliquely, refracted via single lens reflex mirror, a reason to engage with the world, to turn unfamiliar corners, and to re-envision the familiar itself.

My 'work', if you want to call it that - is here.


There's more history here, so much, beneath the surface, much of it dark and complex and scary. I'll get to it in due time, and when I win the internal struggle against its having been, I hope I will have some of my honesty back.

I think the current theme of my life is going to be reaching backwards through the chasm of years, and gaps and through the horror, pulling what was good, and bringing it forward. It's scary, I forgot what it was like to try and make and keep friends, having been trapped and isolated in a violent, impoverishing relationship, with so much unresolved grief and sadness. And I'm a goth for christs sake, this shit was always pretty hard.

Anyway I think it's good to leave with a quote of Lebbeus Woods. I kept thinking of the reaching-back I want to do, to take all of Lorraine, the imperfect grades, pick back up the missed opportunities, the dusty but patient friendships waiting on the shelf for hands to pick them up, the music, the words, the art, all of it and hold it without shame, up to the light for what it is. Not to write off, as I'd initially thought, the past decade like a totalled car. It's reaching into the past, and the future, and trying to make something more contiguous out of it, more harmonic. "Healing" sounds so new agey, and I don't think I'll get it right anyway, I think it'll be an imperfect effort at an imperfect process, but I'm willing to stand up and give it a shot, as many shots as it takes. It's not really a conscious effort, it's happening and its slow but it feels deep, and like it carries an inertial momentum.

I leave whatever is left of you, my valued readership, with a quote from Lebbeus Woods:

"The scar is a deeper level of reconstruction that fuses the new and the old, reconciling, coalescing them, without compromising either one in the name of some contextual form of unity. The scar is a mark of pride and of honor, both for what has been lost and what has been gained. It cannot be erased, except by the most cosmetic means. It cannot be elevated beyond what it is, a mutant tissue, the precursor of unpredictable regenerations. To accept the scar is to accept existence. Healing is not an illusory, cosmetic process, but something that -by articulating differences- both deeply divides and joins together."
— Lebbeus Woods
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abandoned staten island north shore railway [03 Oct 2009|12:04am]

rest of the set under the cutCollapse )

made a trip to a few segments of the
abandoned staten island north shore railway

here's some more about bloomberg's plan to develop the north shore

oops... eheheh... i mean... wrong link..
here's the right one.


x-posted to urban_decay
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09 / 11 / 09 [12 Sep 2009|10:11pm]

09 / 11 / 09 :: Lower Manhattan
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[12 Sep 2009|07:40pm]
<input ... ></input><input ... >
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Best. Navy. Propaganda. EVAR [30 Aug 2009|04:48pm]


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my brandscape [25 Aug 2009|12:55pm]
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see the breaking glass // in the underpass [23 Aug 2009|10:53pm]

this video is the absolute f*cking nexus of cool.

allow me to explain.

trent reznor, jeordie white (twiggy from marilyn manson), peter murphy,
brilliant programmer atticus ross [worked w/ barry adamson, saul williams, etc.]

cover warm leatherette, by the normal
which was one of the first true "industrial" tracks,
based on the JG Ballard book about automotive paraphilia, Crash,
years BEFORE it became a David Cronenberg movie.

Trent's evil vocoder kills me, Atticus is a g-ddamned genius,
murphy's voice is outright sensual,
and the overall added layers of complexity don't detract at all
from the simplicity of the original song.

this thing made my day. i was squealing like a little girl.

click, seriously.
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long island city [22 Aug 2009|11:51am]

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[ the burning clock of time ] [21 Aug 2009|10:06am]

Crescent moon I'm cutting through
paste up warnings fill the sky
smoking embers i remember
time and time again to try
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the levee [17 Aug 2009|01:50am]

i miss console_casing :[

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[13 Aug 2009|09:25am]
freedom isn't freedom from obligation
but freedom to choose one's obligations.

-shay brog
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[11 Aug 2009|01:09am]

[ slide beneath the city ]

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[03 Aug 2009|08:24pm]

There you are, your own number on your very own door.
And behind that door, your very own office!
Welcome to the team, DZ-015.

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[03 Aug 2009|12:18am]

orange filter + new lens
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bronx brutalism [26 Jul 2009|10:04pm]

. killing time in a
low rent high rise .
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